The Real Lelouch vi Britannia
by Kyuzo Aoi
Summary: The real Lelouch vi Britannia, exposed through a mockumentary!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Code Geass is owned by Sunrise. This Fanfiction is owned by me.

Warning: The story is a parody and expect out-of-character behavior.

Warning #2: This contains politically incorrect material, while care has been taken to prevent malicious slander against people, the story is still unsafe for those 18 below. If you belong to this age group, read at your own risk.

Description: Who was the real Lelouch Di Britannia? Let's find out!

Imperial Britannian Broadcasting Corporation proudly introduces:

**The Real Lelouch of Britannia**

**Narrated by Boy Cula-Ngotte**

2019 a.t.b.

_"His Majesty used up all his libido with his harem. That's why the majority of the Imperial Family bit the dust.That's sad."_

_-"Orange-kun", Unidentified former Holy Britannian Army Officer, now working at an orange plantation_

_"Lelouch? He is a man-lover with that Eleven and that Rolo whatever the hell is real name. That's why."_

_-Gino Weinberg, Alleged former Knight of Rounds, now working as a Pizza Hut delivery boy_

_"Oh, the Emperor? Which Emperor?"_

_-"L.L.", hay cart driver, face hidden for fear of retribution_

That's what the general public had said about the man that is the most enigmatic in Britannian history and yet ended in an assassination shrouded in mystery. The man that conquered and bent his nations to his will, and yet died hated by his own people.

His name is Lelouch vi Britannia.

Lelouch vi Britannia is easily the most vilified man in history, bringing most of the world's leaders to the firing squad, and yet, he is the one who died in the hands of the hero of Japan only known as Zero.

But who was really Lelouch vi Britannia?

Here's the real story.

One day, in the summer of 1996 a.t.b., Charles di Britannia, then the Emperor of Britannia, had gotten blind-drunk from drinking too much bourbon in a joint in Pendragon city after his 41st wife had gone wild in a drag show. Opponents of the Emperor, identified only as the 'NAC', tried to kill him by bringing a washing machine and slam him to the machine and put kilograms of raw sakuradite liquid. Fortunately, the incompetence of the said group had attracted attention of a young waitress named Marianne Lamperouge. She allegedly caused the assassins to put themselves into the washing machine, sprinkling themselves with powder, and Marianne, realizing that the drunk guy lying prone is the Emperor, spirited him out before the effect of sakuradite destroyed the pub.

When the Emperor went back to his senses, he realized who saved him. There, he decided that he should look out of this woman. He sent his Imperial Intelligence Service, checking her vital statistics, her cup size, her favorite toothbrush, and so on. However, tired of spying, anyway, he entered Marianne's house, and claiming that he's on a vacation, proposed. She accepted, allegedly without reservation.

In 1997 a.t.b., he decided that he will marry Marianne Lamperouge, as he declared on live television, as a token of love for saving him. Of course, there were that botched wedding cake allegedly spiked with melamine. He called for a diplomatic protest against the Chinese Federation after this, when it turs out that it was a drug called Refrain. He then instructed his Prime Minister, Duke Carolus Oompahton Wellesley, to pass a law banning cakes made in China from Britannian shores.

In the year 2000, the couple were given the blessing of their first child. Marianne, who hailed from Quebec Province, suggested that they name their child Lelouch, after a blogger from that province who claims that the 1999 terror bombing of the HIMS Lexington in the Middle Eastern Federation's waters was caused by Britannian Farm Inc. Charles objected, claiming that such incompetent blogger of that caliber should be honored with his son's name, but then relented.

Lelouch's first years were such a malice. He, according to his former wet nurse, bit her breast while feeding him, urinated Princess Cornelia La Britannia's private plot, ate Premier Schneizel's chesspieces, and so on. However, a former houseboy in the Imperial Palace named Jeremiah Gottwald begs to differ. He said that he only lost to Prince Schneizel in all chess games he played, he is an exacting person when he was cooking, and was a crossdresser to the point that in a play, he used Milly Ashford, now a TV personality, as a voice actress. Ashford denied this.

She said, _"Well, he's not gay. He's an enigma."_

He first enrolled at an institute for boys called the Hairy Peter Institute at the tender age of seven. It is known that he had fairly good grades, except Physical Education, despite the fact that he skipped classes to avoid being caught reading ecchi comics, strips depicting semi-naked Eleven-erh Japanese women. It was later discovered that this is the same comic that was the inspiration for the Psycho-killer Euphemia's attitude. He had caught asthma caused by overeating pochi made in Taiwan Province, China, that was the epicenter of the H-Tai "Stinking Fart" virus that caused insanity to 3,000 people in that year.

He is also known for pointing out that their Math teacher is gay, and a pedophile at that. This caused Lelouch to be expelled, much to the dismay of his parents.

A student need not to be named claimed that Lelouch spread a viral video through I-Pipe Website that shows the Math teacher having a polka dance with a boy named only as Rolo. The principal, a friend of the math teacher, promptly kicked out Lelouch, fearing that his own pedophile proclivities be exposed.

On the year 2003 a.t.b., Lelouch gains a new sibling, named Nunnally. Lelouch cared for his sibling as though as he was the father. However, Nunnally is the complete opposite of Lelouch, given to being presented with hydrocephalic Bratz dolls, usually from his brother.

Lelouch was again enrolled at a new school in Hawaii Province, called the Pearl Academy in his fourth grade. This school had a reputation for being relatively liberal. But Lelouch turned out to be more liberal than others. He submitted a school report describing the then top-secret Knightmare Frame to the slightest detail. Fearing that he would be a liability, the school expelled Lelouch.

Irritated by a second expulsion, Charles had a new opportunity. Ironically, this happened on the assassination of Empress Marianne. By then, he lost most of his hair in a cooking accident involving his son Odysseus, apparently by using a handheld flamethrower to light the non-functioning stove. His last known hairstyle, harkening back to the 16th century, had caused outrage among fashion designers, that out of shame, he had them locked up on Alcatraz. He explained to the public that he can't find any good wigs that would suit him, and "'cause he liked it that way", hence the barrister's wig. His popularity ratings declined after that incident.

Victor Vi Britannia, the Emperor's older brother, had a fight with Marianne over chocolate. The chocolate, Victor claimed, is Cadbury and was made in China, which was banned by her husband. Marianne merely wanted to give it as a birthday present for the Emperor. However, V.V. refused, and when the inevitable banter ensued, V.V., as Prince Victor was called, accidentally killed her with a Japanese toy sub-machine gun converted with sakuradite.

The only witnesses were Nunnally's "best-friend", named Anya Erlstreim, and Nunnally herself. The latter unfortunately was hit on the legs with 12 rounds of the said submachine gun. This also caused her to be blind until recently and caused her permanent crippling.

On an interview with Erlstreim, she said that:

_"Well, when the Empress saw me in the face, I thought I was her. She died smiling, as though she was anticipating this. But over melamine-spiked Cadbury chocolates? That's batshit insane."_

Victor was charged with homicide, but later was cleared of charges, due to "lack of evidence", and Victor's defense that Marianne tried to kill him, and he had to grab the gun from her, unfortunately pulling the trigger. The trial was short, to the shock of Lelouch.

Lelouch explained to his father the Emperor that VV should be jailed for killing his mother. Charles then accused Lelouch of setting the whole thing up and claimed that he had still 48 wives left. Charles then said that he could no longer speak to him and arranged for Lelouch to study in Ashford Academy in Japan.

Many were still outraged at Charles decision. A former Britannian military officer named Guilford claims:

_"He doesn't know how to run a harem, more less than a whorehouse unlike me. See, after that incident with his 26th wife, he is now feeling infertile and had to drink an entire vial of Viagra just for that."_

By this time, relations with Britannia, and Cambodia, a tributary state of the Chinese Federation, turned sour. It was determined that the narcotic Refrain was made in that country, and the mysterious death of the Britannian ambassador to Cambodia, Whay Wewaitte, were linked. So Charles launched a full expedition and occupied Cambodia, then known as Area 10. Half of the population was turned over to the Soylent Corporation, and God knows how Soylent dealt with the Cambodians. However, persistent rumors that Soylent Soya Flakes are made from the poor,executed bodies of the Khmer people, some, disturbingly, were processed alive.

It was later known that Japan armed the Cambodians with 20 Knightmare Frames, then, the Imperial Intelligence Services retrieved documents proving that Premier Kururugi of Japan had personally met with the Cambodian leader named Pot Pot and arranged that Charles be assassinated.

Then, with enough evidence that Kururugi masterminded the entire thing, public outcry spread throughout Britannia. Convinced, Charles declared war against Japan.

Lelouch had some friends, including the Prime Minster's son, when the Britannian-Japanese War began. He had been looking for lost cookies in his hiking trip when Britannian warships bombarded the land of the Rising Sun.

End of Part 1.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Code Geass is owned by Sunrise. This Fanfiction is owned by me.

Warning: The story is a parody and expect out-of-character behavior.

Warning #2: This contains politically incorrect material, while care has been taken to prevent malicious slander against people, the story is still unsafe for those 18 below. If you belong to this age group, read at your own risk.

The Real Lelouch vi Britannia

Description: Who was the real Lelouch Di Britannia? Let's find out!

Imperial Britannian Broadcasting Corporation proudly introduces:

The Real Lelouch of Britannia Part 2 of 3

Narrated by Boy Cula-Ngotte

2019 a.t.b.

"OK. So Lelouch was a Britannian symphatetic to Elevens. I am a Chinese symphatetic to the Japanese people. But Cadbury is an Anglo-Scottish Company so he should not have blamed us for the melamine shit!"

-Li Xingke, Regent of the United States of China

"Lelouch was a tyrant. But I don't mind even if I had an African-Britannian wife like my dear. He after all was also a most multicultural person. Too bad he died before he marries a red-haired Eurasian tsundere hybrid chick."

-Ohgi Kaname, Prime Minister of Japan

"I wish I entered his harem. It's sad that he died on the hands, of, Zero, my hero. I don't mind if I take a Britannian guy! I'm a half-Britannian, half-Japanese gal, so, why call me an 'Aunt Jemina?'"

-Karen Kozuki, Engineering Student at Tokyo University Implied to be the girl the Prime Minister is talking about?

"Lelouch? You scrapped me for a gay like Rolo! Why did you try to save me, anyway?"

-Unidentified Zombie, looks 18 at the time of her death

While Lelouch is hunting down for his cookies, the entire Britannian Pacific forces swooped across Japan. Outnumbered and surprised by the new Britannian Knightmare Frames, the only battle where the Japanese have succeeded is in Itsukishima, where a dogged action by then-Colonel Kyoshiro Todou, using only spray cannons laden with ground frogs with only the heads being the solid part, with whom most Britannians were scared about due to connecting the frogs to the French.

The Japanese forces could link up with the Chinese. However, Kururugi is wanted in China for stating rather assuredly at a public interview about 2009 a.t.b. that imply that the High Eunuchs have restored their 'vitality' with means we hope we will never hear or see, but implied surgery and such malevolent cruelty, and will impregnate the toddler Empress Tianzi, an atrocious monstrosity if that happened indeed.

So the Chinese refused aid. Grief-stricken, he arranged for his son Suzaku to kill him with a samurai sword. He got killed by a toy Power Rangers sword instead.

Upon hearing this tragic death of the Prime Minister, many Japanese forces have put themselves into giant blenders and killed themselves by being ground into a consistency similar to Area 8 Argentina Corned Beef rather than to kowtow to Charles di Britannia. Others, knowing that reincarnation takes 200 years, are more pragmatic. They have gone into hiding and formed resistance cells.

Meanwhile, Lelouch, knowing that he was double-crossed, had declared that he will destroy Britannia and promises Suzaku to get revenge. So Suzaku went to a Juche-style school in Britannia on how to kiss ass with the Britannians.

For Lelouch, life goes on. He had to live like normal people, and care for Nunnally.

As years pass by, he forgot about anything about revenge. He is the Fastest Hotdog Eater for 2015, and the winner of a Bonta-Kun mascot by Pizza Hut in 2016.

Lelouch is content to be happy, as he slowly but surely brought Milly Ashford into bed, thrice a month. However, Nunnally caught him thanks to her informer, her nurse Sayoko Shinozaki. Lelouch explained that he needs her for his anatomy assignment in school. The Prince was rewarded with a break in his arms, no doubt by Sayoko. The incident was not reported until Sayoko recently admitted in an interview:

"Well, he said, 'But why Nunnally would not allow me to do it?' I said, 'If you did this to your sister, would she be happy?' He said back,'Why Nunnally eats shit?' I replied, 'Ms. Lamperouge has no fetish like that, you asshat! She prefers a dominatrix fetish from me.' Then I broke his right arm."

But in the coming weeks, he is deeply concerned about his lack of having the perfect moment. He knew he had to act fast. Or else, he could not put Milly into his harem, and not win the favor of the whole school.

So, he had press-ganged the class jester Rivalz Cardemonde with him, trying finding a way to a new illegal drug that would cure his lack of libido. He set forth toward the Shizuoka district.

Rivalz recalls:

"He said, 'Do you want a harem? You don't seem to get a girlfriend?' I'm not having Milly in my possession at that time. When he said Shizuoka, I replied that Lulu as Lelouch was affectionally called in school is going nuts. But when he mentioned that he will get Argaiv, I agreed."

But then, there is a police action going on. A new 'gangsta war' erupted and the Britannian police and military are concerned by the spread of violence there. The Eleven gangs have smuggled the banned song 'Fuck the Police' and piped the music to the entire district. Fearing that the people in Shizuoka would revolt a-la Rodney King Incident, the Britannians responded with brutal force.

Lelouch has been caught into a crossfire. Rivalz had to hide at a trashcan for biodegrable material. He stumbles on a green-haired girl, kidnapped by Japanese gangster forces led by now-Premier Ohgi. That girl was shot dead, however, and when he was about to be shot by the Britannian forces for interfering at a police operation, the girl had been revived and was spoke to Lelouch, having a trance for five seconds, and suddenly ordered the police to make a Full Monty dance. When they stripped to their nakedness, Lelouch ordered them to put their gun barrels on their mouths and fire. For a mysterious reason never to be solved, the police willingly obeyed. This was confirmed by Lelouch himself.

Lelouch had to use a damaged Knightmare Frame to escape and retrieve Rivalz before being sent to the city incinerator. He, according to his own accounts, say a dying Britannian pilot in that frame and gave him fifty pounds as a pension to his wife. When God took the poor Britannian pilot's soul away, Lelouch then operated the system, although this was the first time that he piloted a Frame, he knew it well enough thanks to his mother's experience as a Frame pilot.

But before that, he for the first time, according to some sources, introduced himself as Zero, and ordered the gangsters to retreat. He did a delaying action in which crotches of Britannian Knightmare Frames are damaged, and the Police are taking note that this was an insult to their manhood. So the Britannian forces tried to capture Zero, but to no avail.

Zero did managed to get an Argaiv vial though, completing his original mission.

There is still a problem. It looks like these resistance fighters are serious with their cause, and Lelouch, seeing a new oppurtunity, want to get even against his father as ever.

But he's a high school student, so it's kind of ridiculuous how a student should lead the largest uprising in history.

So he had to make an alter ego for himself. He had already a code name. He didn't have a costume.

First, he had to gangpress a retired gang of Japanese manga artists known as CHIMP. After the invasion, the CHIMP retired from making manga after being suspected of making fun of the Emperor, portrayed as Xerxes in a drag. Lelouch paid them 500 Britannian pounds just for the materials, but then he nearly used his daily allowance just for a KFC bucket meal as a favor for them.

Finally getting his disguise, Lelouch in his costume hired Kaname Ohgi and his gang to discuss something. He discuss forming a new group. Ohgi first suggested the name "Grove Street Families", but one of his subordinates disagreed as it was too gangsta and suggsested the name 'Order of the Black Knights',after an obscure Japanese RPG. Lelouch accepted it, thinking it was cool.

But they needed uniforms, and Lelouch remembered he cannot go to CHIMP again to ask favors. Fortunately, one of the female members named Inoue had some stocks of uniforms for a Z-movie project, and Lelouch had to consent because he had no money.

But first, he had to do something.

In a new attack by the new Black Knights group, their next target, according to Lelouch or Zero as he was now called, is the viceroy of Area 11, Prince Clovis of Britannia. Lelouch disliked Clovis to the bone because Clovis had a bipolar bisexual complex and a gay pedophile. He also wanted to know if he forced VV to kill Marianne.

Zero had ordered the Black Knights to distract the Britannians. He will use a Britannian combat armor as disguise, however.

Although the Black Knights assault against Britannia had been failing due to procrastination of Ohgi and his subordinates due to having to watch Wheel of Fortune, Lelouch had snuck into Clovis' pimpship successfully.

Before killing Clovis, Lelouch had made Clovis sing "Happy Unbirthday." Clovis however, is proven innocent of any complicity with the murder of Lelouch's mother. Zero still killed him anyway because Clovis is a known pedophile and Lelouch had still traumas of that pedophile teacher that expelled Lelouch.

The news shocked the Britannian public. Charles, being a pronounced homophobe, however, is rather relieved.

To make matters worse, however, it was found out that Suzaku, now a Britannian soldier, has been arrested for killing the viceroy. An investigation was later to be the proof that Suzaku is not the killer. This, however, strengtened the anger of the nativist Purist faction, believing that the Elevens are backstabbers. Despite their claims of racial purity, they had blacks in their ranks, however.

It was found out that another one is going to replace Clovis, a dominatrix bisexual that turned out to be none other than Cornelia la Britannia. It was well known that she had a man-slave that turned to be Guilford and made a "partner" of her own sister Euphemia.

Cornelia had ruthlessly put down many Black Knights assaults because Lelouch is having too much sessions with Milly. It is also known that Ohgi is too fond of watching Wheel of Fortune. So it turns out that the girl that helped Lelouch earlier had to step in. Her name is unknown but is known by that group as C.C. or the White Witch for bitching Lelouch around so Lelouch can plan properly.

There was a terrorist hostage-taking in the Lake Kawaguchi center where Pocari Sweat is manufactured, and it was important to both Cornelia and Lelouch, the former having her sister being around, Lelouch for having one of his "servants," Nina Einstein, also happened to be around.

It was not planned by the Black Knights but by some disgruntled Japanese generals. Cornelia has a rescue plan, but Lelouch had his own, thinking that they are another group and really wanted to spread more ruckus by taking hostages. It turns out that the terrorists had laced the building with pipe bombs, but Lelouch and Cornelia both rescued the hostages. The terrorists died because of their own incompetence.

More successes by the Black Knights had enabled Lelouch to have some contact with the Chinese. However, a rogue Chinese Intelligence Agency officer by the name of Mao tried to kill CC because he claimed that CC abused him during childhood, and promised that she would be "turned compact." CC proved so, by making a dummy robot and let that dummy CC transform by mechanical means into a Tachikoma drone, killing Mao by electrocution.

CC later went to China to bribe one Chinese general named Cao with one year of free fortune cookies, in which the gullible general agreed. Cao then met with a former Japanese minister who formed a new Japanese government. The Britannian authorities were alarmed and despite Zero's plans, was crushed. Zero in revenge killed the Japan Liberation Front members responisible for this, the same group that was involved in the Kawaguchi Tower fiasco. He used the Sakuradite bomb to immolate the JLF members, feeling that they betrayed Zero for being an emo, which was doubtful at best.

Feeling that the Japanese need to be given autonomy, Euphemia, with Nunnally's advice, decided to make one acre of Tokyo the "Special Adminstrative Region of Japan." It will be multicultural and politically correct, she said, and will give the Japanese the freedoms they want. This plan was opposed by Zero, which said that will turn the Japanese people into some sort of Dhimmis.

But Lelouch liked Euphemia. So it was a choice that had his pain in the ass for so long.

At the inauguration of the Special Administrative Zone, Zero went to Euphemia and said about why he objected to the SAR of Japan. Euphemia emphatically agreed. But before Lelouch could say, as he claim, "Does it worth it while having Japanese being killed," he had a slip in the tongue and accidentally said, that, "It is worth to kill all the Japanese."

To the horror of many, Euphemia heeded Zero's word.

2,334 civilians were killed, and Suzaku, despite being enamored to Euphemia, had to kill her because she's becoming a bitch in killing people, Eleven and Britannian alike.

The idea of the Special Administrative Zone vanished overnight. People now called Euphemia the "Trigger-happy princess" and the Japanese had no more reservations to come. They are ready to follow Zero now.

But as a trump card, Charles had arranged for Victor to kidnap Nunnally. V.V., however, went to Suzaku first and made a deal that, to avenge Euphie, Zero has to be killed.

When V.V. said to Zero via videophone that he kidnapped Nunnally, Zero was furious. He was busy fighting the battle that would free Japan. It seems that the Chinese now are helping him, though he didn't want Area 11 to be a dumping ground of melamine-ridden milk.

But he had to save Nunnally fast. So he faked his death by jumping his Knightmare Frame in a swan dive to the sea. Actually, he is planning to swim his Frame to Kanime Island where V.V. claimed to have held Nunnally. Instead, he met Suzaku, and when Suzaku shot Zero's mask, Suzaku was stunned that it was his bestfriend all along. Suzaku bitched about how Lelouch killed Euphie, and so on and so forth. He shot Lelouch with a tranquilizer intended for escaping chimpanzees. When one of his subordinates found out about this, she was shot with the tranquilizer too, and Suzaku landed their asses to jail.

Without their leader, the Black Knights raised the white flag of surrender. They were sent to the recently renamed Euphemia Mental Hospital for examination. It looks if the Britannian Empire is invincible, and Area 11 will become Engrish-speaking at the end of the first half of the 21st century.

Or so they thought..

End of Part 2

Author's Notes: I plan the third and final installment about this documentary. And I plan to have an epilogue as well. Stay tuned for that. 


End file.
